he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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