If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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