My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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