the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
