Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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