Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
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I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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