did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
