Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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