I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
