Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
