Swine flu. Run for my life!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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