Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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