i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
