Yo dont text me then not text me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
