if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
