I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
