You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
