You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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