I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
