i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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