If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
