my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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