I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
