We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
