using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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