Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
