Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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