my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
