Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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