I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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