I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
