ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
