How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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