My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
being pregnant is like rehab
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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