I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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