Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
