She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
