Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
