watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen