also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!