I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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