I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
