Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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