Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
