i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
