Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
