i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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