Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
do nipples grow back?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
