Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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