I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
