As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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