She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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