I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize