Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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