Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
