There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
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I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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