I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
